


Memories

by SpaceIdiot



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Cuddles, Fluff, James T. Kirk Loves Spock, Kisses, M/M, Memory Loss, Mention of Kinky Sex, Multi, Sharing a Bed, old gays, sadish with a happy ending, spirk, spock needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23806846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceIdiot/pseuds/SpaceIdiot
Summary: After his death and return to life, not all of Spock's memories come back at the same time.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock
Comments: 6
Kudos: 74





	Memories

They hadn’t really had much time to talk, what with going back in time to save the whales and then standing trial for conspiracy, assault, theft, sabotage, and disobeying direct orders. But things had gone quiet now, or at least quieter than usual. Spock and Kirk had been using seperate quarters since he was reunited with his Katra. They’d never had time to talk about it, and Starfleet, somehow, was completely oblivious to the fact that they were not “just friends.” Spock did, though, now and then, come and spend the evening in Kirk’s quarters, when they were not needed on the bridge. This particular day had been very slow, and they’d left the bridge earlier than usual.  
Jim was at the window, looking out at the stars. Spock came up beside him, his hands folded behind his back.  
“Jim,” he started.  
Kirk looked up. “Yes?”  
“Recently I have been feeling as if you wanted to say something to me, but were restraining yourself.”  
Kirk half smiled. “Well, yeah, there was something I was going to ask you.”  
“What is it?”  
“It’s kind of awkward.”  
“Jim, please.”  
“It’s a lot easier when it just… happens.”  
Spock tilted his head.  
“Oh fine, I…” Jim took in a breath. “I’ve been wondering when you felt like you were ready for us to have sex again? I don’t want to push you, I know you’ve been through a lot, but I… I miss it. I miss the closeness I feel to you when we have it.”  
“Again?” Spock said carefully, his face slightly flushed.  
Jim felt fear jump up in his chest. “You don’t - you don’t remember?”  
Spock shook his head. “I remember our love for each other,” he said. “But I do not remember that.”  
Jim fought back the tears that began to rise in his eyes. Spock noticed his struggle.  
“I am sorry,” he said gently.  
“No, no,” Jim quickly corrected. “It’s not your fault.”  
Spock touched Jim’s shoulder. “But you are a man with needs,” he said. “And sex, it is an important part of a relationship to a man like you.”  
“Well… yeah,” Jim shrugged. “But you shouldn’t have to supply my needs if you’re not ready.”  
Spock hesitated. “I do not think that I am ready.”  
Jim took Spock’s hand from his shoulder and held it. “It’s okay,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”  
But Spock knew that it was not okay, and he did worry about it.  
Over the next few days, the two of them pretended that they had not had that conversation. Things went on as normal. Most evenings they would spend together, often with Bones as well, talking, playing chess, Spock taught them yoga, and whatever else they felt like doing. But all this time, Jim never pushed Spock, never mentioned anything he thought might make him uncomfortable, and all that time, Spock tried to remember. He would look at Jim, his eyes tracing the lines of his body, trying to remember what he looked like under his uniform, trying to imagine his hands running across his skin. He would lay awake at night, attempting to fantasize about them being together, in hopes that it might trigger a memory. But nothing worked. During the middle of the day Spock had nothing particular to do, and he found his aimless wandering of the halls had brought him to sickbay. He stepped inside and glanced around. Bone’s looked up from the computer where he was doing paperwork.  
“Hello there,” he said with a smile. “What are you up to? That green blood of yours making you feel sick?”  
Spock rolled his eyes. “No, thank you,” he said. “I did not even intend to come in, but I thought since I am here…” he hesitated.  
“What’s up?” Bones asked, noticing the tone in Spock’s voice.  
“It’s about the Captain and me,” Spock said.  
Bones raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”  
“Jim tells me that he and I had sex.”  
Bones mouth fell open slightly. “You don’t remember?”  
Spock shook his head. “I do not.”  
“Well… uh… I hate to break it to you, but so did we.”  
Spock’s eyes widened. “We - what?”  
“Yeah. All three of us sometimes. Though it’s been a while since that happened. Libido tends to decrease with age, not that that’s happened to Jim of course, but-”  
“Doctor,” Spock said, interrupting Bones’ ramble.  
“Yes, sorry…”  
“Is there anything I can do to help me remember?” Spock asked.  
“Nothing that I can do for you, unfortunately.”  
Spock frowned.  
“Have you tried just, putting yourself in a sexual encounter with Jim? That could spark something in your memory.”  
Spock shifted uncomfortably. “I have considered it.”  
“And apparently decided against it.”  
“It is not that I do not love Jim, I do, and yet...”  
“Sex is something very special to most people,” Bones said. “It can affect some of us a lot more than it does others. I know it always meant a lot to you. Don’t push yourself if you’re not ready.”  
“I am afraid I will drive him away without it,” Spock said suddenly. Bones was surprised by his honesty.  
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he replied. “You mean more to Jim than that.”  
Spock sighed. “I do not like that something so important has escaped my memory.”  
“Do you think you should mention it to your priestess?” Bones asked.  
“Perhaps,” Spock replied. He bit his lower lip. “I think I am going to talk to Jim.”  
“A good idea,” Bones encouraged. “It’s always a good idea to talk things out.”  
Spock found Jim in the gymnasium. Kirk jumped off the treadmill when Spock walked in. Spock had taken to mostly doing yoga in his own room, so he was surprised to see him there.  
“What’s up?” he asked, wiping the sweat off of his forehead.  
“I was wondering, Captain,” Spock began, “If I could share your quarters tonight.”  
Jim furrowed his brows. “This isn’t… this isn’t about what we talked about the other day, is it? I don’t want you doing anything until you’re ready.”  
Spock hesitated. “I desire closeness to you,” Spock said. “And sharing a bed while we sleep is one way to do that.”  
Jim put his hand on Spock’s arm. “I’d love that,” he said. “I always hated sleeping alone.”  
Spock touched Jim’s hand where it rested on his arm. “I will see you tonight then, Captain.”  
Kirk smiled as Spock turned and walked out of the gym.  
When night came, Jim was just changing out of his uniform when Spock arrived, clad in a dark robe, a pillow under his arm. Jim smiled.  
“You look like a kid ready for a sleepover,” he laughed.  
Spock tilted his head.  
“The pillow,” Jim said.  
Spock looked at what he carried under his arm. “This is my meditation mat,” he said.  
“Right. Do you want to talk or anything before bed, or just… go to bed?”  
“I meditate before I sleep,” Spock said. “Would you mind if I did that now?”  
“No of course not,” Jim smiled. He crawled into ped and pulled the covers up over his legs, his back leaning against the headboard. Spock laid out his mat, which Kirk still thought just looked like a large pillow, and sat down on it, crossing his legs. He closed his eyes and touched the tips of his fingers together. Jim watched him. No matter how many times he watched Spock meditate, it never seemed to get old. Spock would sit very still, breathing evenly, his face gradually softening the longer he sat. Eventually his eyes would flicker open, and he would stand up carefully, placing his mat in the corner. Spock moved towards the bed and sat down.  
“Wanna cuddle?” Jim offered.  
Spock half smiled. “Yes I think I would.”  
He shifted onto the bed and nestled into the space that Kirk had made for him under his arm, leaning his head down against Jim’s chest. Jim rested his cheek against Spock’s soft hair. He blinked drowsily.  
“There’s nothing I’d rather have more than this,” he sighed.  
Spock reached his hand over and rested it on Jim’s thigh. “There is a peace here,” he said gently, “That I never found anywhere else.”  
Jim touched his lips to the top of Spock’s head. “God I love you.”  
Spock hesitated. “And I you.”  
They chatted a bit, but they were both rather tired, and eventually drifted off to sleep. In the middle of the night, Spock found himself jumping suddenly awake. He sat up, breathing heavily and sweating.  
“Jim, Jim,” he said firmly, nudging his partner, “Wake up.”  
Kirk blinked, half asleep. “What? What’s wrong?”  
“I had, I think I had a dream.”  
“Call the newspapers,” Kirk huffed rolling over. “You dream all the time.”  
“No,” Spock hissed. “I think that it may have been a memory.”  
Jim half sat up. “A memory? About what?”  
“About us,” Spock said. “Intimate.”  
Jim sat up a little more. “Do you want to talk about it?”  
Spock nodded.  
“Go ahead then.”  
Spock stared at the bed sheets for a moment before speaking. “We were considerably younger,” he began, “I believe still on our five year mission. We were mating.”  
“God it sounds so animalistic when you say it like that,” Jim interrupted.  
Spock flushed. “I believe animalistic is a good word to describe it,” he said.  
“Oh,” Jim raised his eyebrows. “It was one of those times.”  
“I had you tied up,” Spock said. “You were helpless and I had complete control. You were pleasuring me orally. Is this something that actually happened?”  
Jim scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “Yeah, lots of times actually.”  
Spock shifted slightly, his brows furrowed. “That is considered deviant sexuality,” he said.  
Jim laughed. “Yeah I guess so. But that’s not even the worst we got up to. It’s been a long time since we went quite that far, though.”  
Spock didn’t look at Kirk, but continued to stare at the bedspread. Jim touched his hand.  
“I can’t imagine it’s easy being thrown back into those kinds of memories all of a sudden.”  
“Was it always like that?” Spock asked. “So rough and epicurean.”  
“No,” Jim said. “We also had gentle moments. I admit I love it when things get kinky, but there isn’t much better than slow, sweet, gentle love-making. The careful give and take - those moments of intimacy…” he hesitated, not finishing his sentence. Spock was staring at him, sadness in his eyes.  
“I wish that I remembered,” Spock said.  
Jim cupped his face in his hands. “You will,” he said gently. “Give it time. You got this far, you’ll get the rest of the way too.”  
Spock swallowed. There was no hope in his eyes.  
“Oh darling,” he said, running a finger over Spock’s cheek. “Even if you don’t remember, we can make new memories.”  
“But I want my old ones,” Spock said firmly.  
Jim licked his lips. “Spock, can I kiss you?”  
Spock nodded. Jim pulled Spock carefully towards him, their lips meeting gently. Spock blinked, his heart rate skyrocketing. That pressure felt familiar. Jim’s hand slipped around the back of his neck and pulled him deeper into the kiss. Spock parted his lips as he felt Jim’s tongue press against them. He closed his eyes, dizzy with feeling. With a gasp, he suddenly pulled back, half shoving Jim backwards.  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jim said quickly, “I shouldn’t have gone in with the tongue.”  
“No,” Spock breathed, “It’s not that.”  
“Then… what?”  
Jim looked at Spock carefully through the darkness. He could have sworn that he saw tears begin to trickle down the Vulcan’s cheeks.  
“Spock, what on earth?”  
“I remember,” Spock said. “I remember.”  
He grabbed Jim, one hand on either side of his face, and pulled him into a kiss. His arms wrapped around him, holding him, trying to close every inch of space between them. Never, he thought, never would he let him go again.


End file.
